At bible study last Thursday, my pastor asked me about the passage that we’d been reading. In John 1, Andrew and another disciple were with John as Jesus walked past them and John proclaimed Him to be the Lamb of God. The two immediately followed Jesus and He then turned to ask them what they were seeking. This was the question that my pastor asked me. What was I seeking? I wasn’t able to answer the question. I wasn’t sure what I was even being asked at first.
That question has stayed with me. Flitting around me as I went about my daily duties over this past week. Why exactly am I following Jesus? It feels like a pretty easy question at first glance. One where the answer should jump out of me. But one where, if I’m being honest, is one I have some fear to approach. Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt God working out in my in areas where I thought I’d already been taken to where I need to be. I guess I felt that after experiencing some positive change, that I was where I needed to be. I’m coming to think now that God had taken me where I needed to be then and that He still has work to do in me. This is a good thing. Obviously, I could use some improvement. I still struggle at times with still identifying myself with old labels. Some of these are ones that I’ve given myself, some are ones that others have given. While both of them can be a weight to carry, the ones that I bear internally are tougher to shake.
I believe that Jesus wants to remove those labels from by destroying the reason I ever identified with them in the first place. I believe Jesus is calling me to be a man that I am sometimes afraid of being. I believe Jesus speaks into me, saying that He’ll shatter my old faults and desires if I’ll just hand them over. Often, I’ll cling on to them if for no other reason than familiarity. I believe that He wants to cover my bad characteristics with His blood. This is terrifying to me. I know Jesus from this conceptual idea that I learned while coloring between the lies. Learning to have this self redefining relationship with my Savior means that I have no idea who I’ll be becoming.
All of this may feel like I’m still avoiding the question. And I suppose that maybe I am a little bit. But I guess I’m always trying to find a way to define who I was. So that I can find different words about myself now. I want to drop the sword of justification that I pretend I’m not using, all while drawing more of my own blood than anything else. I’m following Jesus because He hinted at something better. That I could be better. Because I realized that I could never be that way on my own power. I am not as immediately smitten by a happy afterlife as I am by dutifully following Christ as He leads me into being a man who understands how much I’m loved and acts accordingly.